Mar 12, 2013 6:21am
Am I Really Me Now For Now
Now, when I pause and take a moment to contemplate and look back, I ask myself a seemingly rudimentary, but indubitably integral question- 'Would the 16-17 year old version of me, be proud of the person I am today?'. While considering the pros and cons of my existence within the past year or so, I've come to the bitter conclusion that somewhere, somehow I lost myself. I lost the person I once used to be, in an attempt to seek freedom and sanctity. Instead of attempting to attain a sense of nirvana, via self-actuallisation, I cursed myself for not fitting in. Over the course of time, I've begun to comprehend the sheer enormity of that fallacy. Let me explain-
They say that an ideal mind is a devil's workshop, and in bottling up all the pent-up fury and emotional pain within the confines of my heart, I may have given it more than it ever bargained for.
Yes, I won't deny that abrupt incidents and pessimistic people did play their part. Since my childhood I have been invariably belittled or ostracized by certain sections of my peers. If not for my sensitivity, then for my bluntness or occasional irrationality. At the cost of sounding a tad cynical, I can safely say that along the course of our existence, most of us discover the generic nature of apathy and vanity in the outside world. Nobody really likes to waste their precious time, wondering about why you are the way you are. That's merely the way the system of life has been configured, and each of us is akin to a miniscule wire in the system; Each wire is individually moulded to ensure the smooth operationality of this infinite universe.
People are evolutionary wired with a need for connection. If you don't fit in, you are cut out ie you are mocked at or alienated. That's sounds cold I know, but it's true. We seek connections by handpicking an array of people with similar traits and characteristics; people we can feel comfortable with. Those who trangress our perception of normalcy, are pushed away or looked down upon.
But really, how much can one blame the world? I can jot down a list of million ways people screwed me over, but what's the point? Wheres that going to get me? If I or anyone else like me wants to be happy, they must first realize the aforementioned nature of society. Human beings mainly care about what they can get from you.
If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it's because society is full of people who need things. They need houses built, they need food to eat, they need entertainment, they need fulfilling sexual relationships. You arrived at the scene of that emergency, holding your pocket knife, by virtue of your birth. The moment you came into the world, you became part of a system designed purely to see to people's needs. Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold.Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? What about love and kindness? Don't those things matter? Of course. As long as they result in you doing things for people that they can't get elsewhere.
I often denounce those who exhibit charades of strength, in order to hide their weaknesses to the world. While, such behaviour might project itself as artificial or discerning, allowing oneself to break down under the pressures of socialisation is a sin no less in magnitude. There were times in the past, when I put on a smile and strutted around with a swagger, in order to conceal the pain within. At least in those cases, my aura was positive and radiated joy. It's better than being indifferent, because really, the world will you eat you alive if it senses any weakness it can exploit. You may not be genuinely happy, but at least that way, you don't become subject yourself to unnecessary pain. Keep the key to your life strictly in your own pocket, don't hand it over to everyone else to see and misuse.
Today. I will proudly say that I've been inherently inculcated with some of the finest attributes; Attributes like humility, undying love and genorosity. That's just the way my parents are, and as a result these traits have been ingrained within me through social mirroring. I never felt a dearth of maternal love or money, and almost always got what I wanted. Perhaps, that too has made this fall all the more painful. Growing up with so much affection around me, from my family, I never really knew life was so multi-faceted and complex.
As i grew older, i've been labelled everything from an emotional fool to a reckless nobody, by people who (at the risk of sounding a tad arrogant), have settled for mediocrity and perhaps understandably, felt a tad envious at times. I always failed to understand why they didn't understand me, why they showered me with hate and criticism, irrespective of my behaviour. What, I couldn't really grasp was that they weren't doing it out of spite or maliciousness, maybe not even out of envy. They were just perplexed at how differently I lived my life, and couldn't come to terms with somebody who deviated from their mental picture of normalcy. For them, my behaviour was anamalous, while for me, they were just plain offensive.
Did I make the wrong decisions in terms of the people I mingled with and attempted to form bonds with? Maybe or maybe not. Every relationship, irrespective of how big or small it eventually turns out to be, is a learning experience. Over the course of these 18 years, I have forged some unforgettable and heart-warming friendships with a plethora of people. There is no quintessential definition of friendship, at least not for me. The longer one holds grudges against people for the past, the longer it takes to move on and truly be happy. Sure, they have wronged you in the past and they may even wrong you again; but ask yourself this- Is that really your prerogative. Everything is ultimately a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it won't matter. That's not to say that you continue to subject yourself to pain at the hands of people who dislike you, but at least, don't allow it to constantly play on your mind, at the expense of your happiness. By doing this, you have lost the battle and they have succeeded in bringing you down. Remember that anyone who ever tried to bring you down, only does so to compensate for their own limitations.
If you feel that you are different, like me, and you want to be happy in a world which castigates defiance against normalcy, then from this point on, you should commence your journey to being a 'Self-Actualist'. Realization is the primary key to being a self-actualist. Realize that you are different from the majority and that you can't be like them and succeed.
Self-Actualists care about making sense of things, finding meaning, living a life that makes internal sense regardless of external norms. They typically shun and/or are oblivious to tradition and convention. Most great minds that have advanced civilization have been Self-Actualists. They do not care about whether they are impressive to others and take heart in the fact that whatever they do, is meaningful to them. They find their own path in life, but not at the cost of becoming oblivious to the world around them. They are well aware of the fact that 'What you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do.'
I lost myself because I believed the words of those around me, I lost the belief I once had, because I allowed my self-perception to be distorted by meaningless words. Without realizing what was happening to me, I allowed myself to become a mirror image of the labels levied upon me by others. I forgot who I truly was and began to look at myself, the way some people looked at me. They said I had no strength, they said I was weird, and in allowing myself to get bogged down in 2012, I proved them all right. I became the monster they had created. I was too immature to understand that in not forming my own path, and in not persevering with my dreams and ambitions, I was losing myself to gain others. I wasn't trying to become the self-actualist, but was merely becoming another puppet in the circus. Another one of those boring sort we commonly call 'normal'. Well, I know now, and now, I will not be stopped. I will not discard this desire. I will not give up this time. I will be myself one day and I will be damn good at it.